I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
