My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there was a trapeze. enough said
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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