I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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