Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
