i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
high people should be assigned attendants
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
