Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
