i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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