I think im going to throw up on grandma
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
