remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Brb crying the tears of my youth
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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