You just made me feel so damn special
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
