wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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