Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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