Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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