plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
