yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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