i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
