you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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