dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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