he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
