The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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