You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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