so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
