hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
