you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
