Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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