god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
