I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just cropdusted the office
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
