My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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