i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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