When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
