I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
