I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'm really busy with my period
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