My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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