When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
