he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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