everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
