tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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