I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
