my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
