Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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