someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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