my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize