I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize