Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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