piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
