i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
