how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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