I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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