operation harelip BJ is a go
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
