you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
