I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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