Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize