The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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