Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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