I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
