drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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